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My divorce was a pretty easy process. I never thought about the effects of divorce back then, neither for me or for our daughter. My ex-hubby and I never really fought, we just decided that we were making each other unhappy instead of happy, and that it would be better for both of us to move on. What I never could have imagined, is that the mere fact of our marriage going down the drain, would still have a big emotional impact on my daughter and me for the years to come. I started to discover only recently, that some of my feelings where I feel guilty and disappointed, stem from that time, when we decided to split up. I always thought that I at least had not suffered a lot from the divorce. My daughter obviously misses her father, especially because he lives far away, but for me, I thought that I was over it altogether. Last week, however, I suddenly came upon a deep rooted feeling of guilt I discovered in myself. When I started to recognize the sensation in my body, I started sensing it more and more often, and I see that I am feeling guilty actually quite often. Strange how those things function. I never thought that guilt was something important to me. I am pretty laid back, I accept myself pretty much just as I am, I did quite some work on the spiritual realm, I use EFT (emotional freedom technique, http://www.emofree.com) to combat disease, pain, and emotional lack of peace. And still, there it is. Guilt. I feel it when I put my daughter on the school bus, I feel it when I hear her talk to her Dad on the phone, I feel it when I see the dishes piled up in the sink. What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire... Am I feeling disappointed about myself? Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I'm probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother... 'All disappointment comes from expectations'. (Buddha) Guilt and disappointment are somehow related. I feel that if I am not having high expectations as to my own behavior under certain circumstances, I am also less prone to be disappointed when I don't behave up to my own standards. The resulting feelings of guilt then also do not appear. Sometimes it are other people having high expectations, and even more often, we THINK that they have certain expectations (which we will never meet), and in reality they do not even think like that.... The way to get out of this Catch 22 is simple but not so easy. Especially when these hidden effects of divorce hit us, some of these believes can be very deeply rooted in our heart and head. The first step is to localize the feeling as it manifests itself in our body. As soon as we know which body sensation is pointing to the emotion of guilt and disappointment, we have to start being aware of it. After some practice, we start to realize what is happening every time we feel the sensation. The second step... You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And even more, you have no obligation to be perfect. You should not even try to be perfect! You are OK, just as you are. Your past is your past, you took decisions which you would not take today, but then, you did not know then what you know today. Forgive your mistakes, and tell yourself that at least you learned from them. The third step then is easy: When I forgive myself, it is so much easier to forgive others. When I stop judging myself, I also stop judging others. My relationship with the world, my family, my children, my partner and most importantly, with myself will improve tremendously by doing this. The concluding step four: So I forgive myself and others, which means I have better relationships, and much less stress. This means I do not make the mistakes I made before due to stress, and I have less reason to feel guilty and disappointed.
Article Source: http://www.philvault.com
Charlotte Kamman helps stepfamilies to be great as a happy, healthy, safe base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often nasty, and yet many stepparents do not expect them to hit so hard. Instead of blaming the children, get started now!!
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